Life? What Life?

Remember those early and mid teenager years where depression
is your solace and friend?

I miss those days. Now depression is just related to Red
Bull, Paracetamol and/or Vicodin, numerous packs of fags and caffeine. You
can’t afford to be intoxicated during weekdays. Not even on weekends on a
monthly basis. Not on anything. Forget crystal, acid, X, herb and crazy M. You
can’t even do alcohol. Nope. Nil. Nada. Zip.

So the darkness isn’t your best buddy anymore. Ditto to the
light.

You rarely see the sun and missing the glisten on your skin.
As well as yours comrades.

It might be a question of willing but I’m not a
strong-willed person. Obstinate and occasionally
obnoxious maybe but never strong-willed. I don’t force people. Or myself for
that matter. I do believe everything you do come from inside thus external
force is nothing but a waste. If what you do is not sincere your whole life is
plastic. Same thing applies if what you do is only for your account.

Of course you’re not obligated to nice everyone. But, for
the sake of this planet that is not Uranus, give the seat to the old man in the
bus, man. What you got? Osteoporosis?

Don’t mind the last bit. I just remembered several nights
ago I give my seat to a senior citizen and the girl who stood beside him
glanced at me cynically, clearly annoyed that I didn’t give my seat to her.
Sorry, lady, if you have three branded enormous shopping bags with you, it
obviously it won’t kill you if you just take a taxi instead of giving me that
obtrusive glare.

Back to depression, would anyone mind voting whether I
should go to my father’s third wedding? Because I’m having second thoughts
about attending it. It’s out of town, and I mean way out of town in this
isolated village where to bathe you have to walk three miles to get water and
they don’t have petrol stations and to cook you still use wood.

OK, I made-up the whole last sentence.

Well, my dad only marry roughly about once every seven
years, so if I don’t be present at this wedding, I have to wait another seven
years (hah!)

The reason why he picked a widow with two daughters is still
indigestible even for my irrational mind.

Jakarta

might be westernized but it’s not like he can’t find a nice young virgin. I
truly don’t mind having a step mum not far from my age – that way I have a
friend to spend my dad’s money (double hah!)

Yeah, well. Text, message, call, e-mail, MSN, YM or whatever
me if you have any inputs or vote to help me decide whether to go or not. My
mum’s like – why go, it’s not like you’ll enjoy the forty-eight hours there.
True. Chances are I might not. But what’s the use of family if not to kill you
slow and painfully. Better them than strangers.

You know how sometimes you let go someone in your life and you just know that you’ll never see them again - not because distance or those screwed-up things you can’t stop? But because you know that you have to else you’ll never be independent and develop?

So the boys have to qeue until we’re done having fun… or taking a break having fun… Cheers. I’m off enjoying more whiffs of free life.

Starting end of November 2006 I experienced the best sensation of drugs since many long months and got over it in a snap - I’m by a nature a good girl (and I can hear all saying "WTF!").

I moved from Pinkost in beginning of March with my future inmates, who were at that current time my Diploma 1 classmates. Had fun mostly at Mahani’s room (especially where Karina moved her ass out throughout Titi Kamal’s Mendadak Dangdut album) until her - Mahani’s not Karina’s - motorbike got stolen, then us 6 girls moved to another kostan nearby. Less freedom, if you wanna go clubbing you have to take off before 11 and come back after 6. Keluar sebelum jam 11 kurang sreg di kita karena biasa keluar jam 12, but coming back at 6 is TOTALLY fine as we normally come back around 8 - 10.

On April 20, I helped my cat deliver her barely-furry kitten who’s (yeah, ‘who’ - that kitten’s like my own baby!) turning 10 months this 22nd. And now she’s already pregnant… kucing! She eats more, too. Now she can eat 2 cans of Friskies / Whiskas a day from the previous 1 can.

And everyone asks me where do I spent my paycheque?

Of course I spend them on shoes - and Nasha of course, she’s a pregnant cat. I can’t leave her famished! (Only sometimes if everyone in the house wakes up late then her meal will be after 5.00 unlike the usual)

In total from January tol May, I would rather not talk in details as it invloved many night scenes, alcohol, babes, drugs and a massive club downtown that rhymes with "Radium" - no insignificant male mentioned - they’re only figurines…

Lost many memories until July - then started my internship at Ascott International Management Indonesia… started working permanently since mid September until this very moment, where I’m typing my ass off in every window I opened (there’s like 4 now)…

Toodles for the time being

…where there are many options, many decisions you must take and you don’t feel like picking because where you are right now feels really comfortable but you know if you don’t make a decision quick someone’s gonna get hurt but if you make the decision now, you are the one who’s gonna get hurt. You wanna tell someone but you can’t because you don’t know if that person won’t bitch about or not, you wanna tell that person involved but you, again, can’t do that because that will also hurt that person’s feelings. And you feel things inside gurgle and it won’t stop and you also don’t know how to stop it… Unless you make some decisions quick… But, of course, you do not want to do that because your ego is already comfortable where it is right now…

Am I stuck or what? GOD, someone help me…

Dr. Prof. Koesnadi Hardjasoemantri passed away in the Garuda Airline crash yesterday.

He will always be remembered as a faithful husband to his wife, an excellent father to his daughters, an intellectual man to his readers and students.

I will always remembered him as a kind and great figure who was able to help anyone in need.

Let his soul rest in peace by Allah SWT.

I swear… My morning hasn’t been good. So I’m off to the internet, all cheery and happy because the internet connection just got repaired. Hopping along to check my schedule for classes.

BUT FUCK IT! If Tarakanita stopped being so flippin’ cheap I wouldn’t have a cranky start! I haven’t showered, I haven’t had a taste of caffeine nor nicotine.

This suck. What’s really hard about placing the schedule up on the net? Total repugnance.

I am not satisfied with the beginning if this sucky year.

I won’t even go to the details… But although I know I can’t blame Idul Adha for that, I still do. It stopped me or having a great hang-over all the way to the 3rd of January…

Since Idul Adha prayer started about 6.30 am… and I went meandering about with my parents until I was too exhausted to go anywhere to celebrate New Year…

Well… Apart from Idul Adha I can always blame my parents.

Such a lonely night… and it’s mine…

The loneliest night of my life…

I’m so lonely. Everyone at kosan’s gone. Except for Echa, who won’t be back in a couple of hours, the rest of the girls are back to their habitat. So I’m staying at the warnet until she comes back.

It’s so scary at kosan when no one’s around… They say there’s kid poltergeist who likes to play in the bathroom and the stairs. Sometimes you can hear running footsteps from the stairs and occasionally the hall as well…

Freaky…

And that’s why I’m staying here until Echa comes back from her date (Ramadhan sich pacaran)…

You know when someone/you asks you/someone "Why do you love him?" and you/someone just goes like "Because he’s" or she’s " sweet, understanding, kind, generous…" yadda yadda yadda…

Do you really believe that? That you love someone because of that someone’s positive aspects/characteristics? It’s a different thing if you like a person because of that person’s positive aspects/characteristics…

You might fall in love with a person if he/she is attentive to you, understands you and care for you… And that’s not really characteristics. That’s their behaviour towards you - they might not behave the same towards other people.

But what I’m sure of what actually happens is when you fall in love with that particular carbon-based being is that as you fall in love you get to know his/her habits and positive aspect/characteristics. Therefore you’re already in love with that person but when you discover their good qualities you get involved much deeper…

Ok. I confess I’m starting to get lost now. But I still know what I’m trying to say…

I heard one once said "Repetition is one of the signs that you’re in love…"

Brengsek neh… hidup gue sampai Jumat tinggal 2 lembar I Gusti Ngurah Rai.

Last Saturday night I just moved to this kosan above a distro somewhere in Kalimalang (I’m not good with roads) for the sake of my college life… My family and boyfriend helped me move my stuff. I’m not usually the crying type over moving somewhere else by myself but that felt like they’re abandoning me. This feeling is also supported by the fact my mum start packing my things when I could do it myself - she packed like a week before I moved…

I would say it’s comfortable even though I’m like the youngest there my seniors are really nice to me. But it’s also quite a walk to my campus so I have to wear flip-flops then change to my pumps. This is compulsory by the way since it’s a Secretarial Academy. On Mondays we wear this green top-batik skirt uniform that kinda looks like a flight-attendant’s uniform and it also only makes me look shorter. That sucks.